Election made in Heaven (Election Land)

Few people have any idea how this 2008 presidential race came about. It all started in a never-never land where politicians go when they die. Politicians are a lot like flies, God never quite figured out why he made them in the first place and did not know what to do with them after they departed this life. In all politicians there is always some good and then there is always some bad so they were not really candidates for either heaven or hell. To solve the dilemma God created Election Land, a place where for six months out of the year the dearly departed pols suffered in hell like conditions and longed for their days on Capitol Hill. The other six months of the year they enjoyed life in a world that resembled Augusta National. During this time they enjoyed beautiful golf courses, luxurious homes, the finest of food and drink and the company of other politicians, many of whom they had known and worked with while on earth.

On one particularly beautiful day in the Spring of 2005, four old friends had gotten together on the finest of the golf courses in Election Land. John Kennedy, Tip O’Neill, Ronald Reagan and Gerald Ford. Richard Nixon had beg to play and even showed up on the first tee, but even in Election Land the citizens have scruples, and the first four knew there was no way any of them would ever trust ‘Dicky Boy’ in even a $2.00 match. The four all shot even par as was always the case in Election Land and retired to the club house to have a drink and discuss events taking place on the earth. As one might expect the talk quickly turned to the election that would take place in 2008 and soon the lines were drawn between the republicans and the democrats. Reagan and Ford quickly pointed out the GOP was in their opinion a lock to retake the White House. The country was still scared of their shadow and the Repubs could always sell their ability to protect them. Kennedy and O’Neill had other ideas. “No party ever gets a third term”, Kennedy stated, and besides “Bush and Cheney have just about driven everyone crazy with all their stupid moves”, he said winking at Tip and sipping his drink. “Why don’t we put a little wager on this thing and talk King David, the ruler of Election Land, into letting us run this election from here,” former President Ford suggested. “Do you think he’ll let us”, Reagan ask, “we can try, and maybe it will get us out of the hell part for a couple of years”, Kennedy replied.

As soon as the four had finished their drinks they eased out of the clubhouse, still keeping an eye out for Nixon and went straight to King David’s office over in the Election Land Administration Building. David was not busy at this particular time and his secretary, Ann Richards, show them in for their visit. “What’s up boys,” he asks as soon as everybody got seated. “We’ve got a little proposition we’d like to discuss with you”, Reagan said as they got settled. “There’s an election coming up in our old country in a couple of years and we’ve made a little bet on who will win”, Kennedy began. “Yes and we’d like to get your permission to let us manipulate it from here to see whose really still got the most savvy in politics”, JFK continued. “That’s never been done and I don’t know what the Man Upstairs would think about first letting you do this and second what he’d think about the four of you messing with the children he has left on the earth in the United States”, King David replied. “Well,” Tip began, “we would promise we’d get two guys that would wear each other out over who’s the best Christian, and would do their best to run down any of those other people who don’t believe in the Big Guy”. “That’s right”, said Reagan, “who ever we pick would give all those from the Axis of Evil hell and we’d really promote the Big Guy no matter who we pick”. The five argued and discussed this proposition for a couple of hours before finally convincing David to let them go ahead. “We’ll also need to stay out of the Hell part of being here for at least until after the election”, Kennedy said as they begin to leave. “I don’t know about that”, King David said and grew a worried look across his face. “When this place was set up God made it pretty clear that you guys had to pay for your sins by spending six months in Hell each year”, David seem genuinely concerned. “Just talk with Him and tell him we will be driving and scaring millions of folks to him over the course of this election and he will reap the benefits from whatever we do”, Gerald Ford who had not said much before replied to David. “I’ll talk to him about it and let you know pretty soon David told the group and closed the door behind them.

David brought the proposition up during the next staff meeting and told God he thought it was something that would keep the morale up in Election Land. The rest of the inhabitants had heard about the challenge and all of them were getting excited about it and were already talking about starting a betting pool and watching the outcome. The only one in all of Election Land that was against it was Nixon and he was just mad because the four had agreed to no dirty tricks and he did not think that made for a fair election. After a few minutes of deliberation the Lord agreed, simply saying that it might be fun to watch and to tell the boys to get it on.

Kennedy, O’Neill, Ford and Reagan sat down to lay out the ground rules and discuss just what would be fair to everyone concerned. Ford and Reagan were supremely over confident and Kennedy was quick pick up on it from the start. “Well you know you’ve got a tremendous advantage” JFK was setting them up. “You are the incumbents and there is that threat of war everyone is worried about”, Kennedy was showing his smarts. “Well yea,” replied Reagan, “our folks are going to remember me while your folks are going to need to get over ‘Oval Office Bill’ and the ‘Peanut Man’ to ever even get back to remembering you, and most people are dead that were there when you were in office”, Reagan said with a chuckle. “Tell you what we’ll do”, Reagan went on. Reagan had fallen for JFK’s set-up, “to make it fair we will pick a 73 year old man that has had cancer twice, finished last in his class in college, dumped one wife for a rich trophy wife and don’t know a Shiite from a good grade of peanut butter”, Reagan knew John McCain was who he was planning to push. “That’s fair, but still you have a too much of an advantage what with the incumbency and the way things are going,” replied Tip. “Well, who would you pick, let’s see if we can cut you any more slack,” said Ford. Kennedy had been watching a kid he thought reminded him of himself since the last Democratic convention. The kid was black but smart as a whip and most importantly to Kennedy had gone to Harvard. “We’ll do this”, said Kennedy, “we’ll pick a black guy that is just now going into the Senate for the first time and we will make him our choice, if you will spot us the Vice-President”. “You’re going for that skinny kid from Chicago that gave the speech last year at your convention”, Ford remember the young man but could not pronounce his name. “You would actually pick a black guy”, Reagan had no idea who they were talking about. “If you’ll do that we could pick Ronald McDonald for our V.P and beat you worse than LBJ beat Goldwater,” Reagan said while trying to control his laughter. “You’ve got to give us the V.P.”, said Tip, beginning to worry about JFK’s choice for President. “No problem,” replied Ford, “we’ll let you choose for us”, Ford was now actually laughing. “Just let us describe the pick for you, you actually make the call”, Kennedy said. Ford and Reagan could not control themselves. “Go ahead”, Ford said, “if you’re running a black man we’ll take ‘Otis’ from Mayberry and kick you ass”.

Kennedy and O’Neill thought about it overnight and by morning had their requirements for the Republican pick. The four met the next morning at the Panera Bread Store for coffee and bagels and to finalize their bets. “Here’s what we want”, started Kennedy, “we want you to pick a woman, she needs to have a degree in a useless field, from some small state school that took her at least five years to complete. We want her to be married to a guy that looks like ‘Ralph Crampton’ from the ‘Honeymooner’s’, never wears a tie or went to college, we want her to have a house full of kids and one of the girls must be knocked-up by an 18 year old high school dropout, and she can’t have any experience in foreign affairs or have ever traveled outside the U.S. more that twice. Oh yea, we want her to talk like Marge Gunderson from the movie ‘Fargo’.” Both Reagan and Ford where so cocky about the black candidate the Democrats had chosen that they agreed. “I don’t even know if that person exist”, said Reagan, “but if she does we’ll get her and you’ve got a bet”. Neither of the Republicans had even ask about the Democrats choice for V.P. Finally, Ford, who had a soft spot in his heart for V.P.’s queried the Democrats about who their nominee would be. “We’re going with Joe Biden”, Tip said, “a good old Eastern liberal, but honest man. He’s been around for a while and will help the kid in some of those blue-collar states where they might be afraid of the black man.

The tickets complete, the four finally had to decide on the amount of the wager. “How about the losers agree to caddy for the winners the first round after the election,” Tip offered. “Fine by me,” replied Ford, “and the winners will buy the drinks.”

That my friend is how this match-up came about. There is no other way to explain the four people running to either lead the free world or to be one heart beat away from leading it. I think the Big Guy played with the Stock Market just to mess with them.