Rush Limbaugh vacations with the President!!
Can you imagine how shocked I was this morning when I read on a creditable news site the following?
“HONOLULU (AP) - Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh is resting comfortably in a Hawaii hospital after suffering chest pains while on vacation, his radio program says.”
Something funny was going on here and I needed to get to the bottom of it. Calling on my sources around the globe I was able to piece together the following.
Apparently the President and his family arrived on Christmas day for the holiday break, nothing unusual here. The giveaway to the earth shaking news was when my sources discovered Limbaugh had sneaked onto the island under cover of darkness the day after and had met secretly with the President on several occasions since. Limbaugh traveled incognito to and from the meetings with the President, which Limbaugh insisted be held in the back room of a Denny’s to avoid detection by the press. Each time Limbaugh was disguised as a Wise Man, in period costume from the years associated with Jesus’ birth and not uncommon to see during this Christmas season. Limbaugh had also determined the disguise would be sellable to the Christian right should he get caught.
Creditable sources now report the chest pains experienced by Limbaugh were caused by his discovering he agreed with the President on many issues. Before being admitted Limbaugh told those closest to him he was quite sure Mr. Obama was a Christian, he was born in the United States, in no any way related to Saddam Hussien, and did not like Nancy Pelosi much better than Limbaugh himself.
I wish a speedy recovery to Mr. Limbaugh and hope that upon his return he can become a part of the solution our great Country needs.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Urban Meyer: The Rest of the Story
The college football world was shocked Saturday when ESPN reported the abrupt retirement of highly successful Florida football coach Urban Meyer. Literally thousands of jock reporters and commentators hashed and rehashed this move over and over between the time it was first reported until the next day when Coach Meyer held a news conference and announced he was not really leaving, only going to take an leave of absence. This turn around really ignited the talking and writing jocks. The inside information each one claimed a day before was now worthless. The theory's either speculated on or reported as fact now made these buffoons look like what they really are, buffoons, Finebaum included.
Through a stroke of fate I have uncovered the real facts leading up to both decisions announced last weekend by the Big Gator.
The whole thing started Saturday morning in the Coach's Suite in the finest hotel New Orleans had to offer. The Meyer family had flown in Christmas Day in order to be in New Orleans before the players started reporting to the Sugar Bowl. Coach Meyer and his beautiful wife had just spread some lox and capers on their bagels when the coach took a deep breath and told Mrs. Meyer he had something to tell her. The Lady Gator stopped chasing the lone surviving caper on her plate and looked up. "I don't know how to tell you this but I have decided to resign today as the head coach at Florida," Coach Meyer begin. "The job has just been too stressful and I think it is effecting my health," the Urbanator continued. "We have accomplished everything we can here, we have plenty of money and maybe someday I will get back into coaching at a school with less stress," the coach finished talking. Shocked did not adequately describe the effect this proclamation had on the beautiful Mrs. Meyer. "I can't believe it," Mrs. Meyer was finally able to say. "Whatever you think Coach," Mrs. Meyer responded in a whisper. (Urban had always insisted she call him coach, might be just a little ego working here) The two finished their room service breakfast and Coach Meyer quickly left the suite to meet with Jeremy Foley, his A.D. to break the news to him.
Urban stayed busy pretty much the rest of the day greeting the Sugar Bowl committee while welcoming and checking on all his players as they arrived at the team's headquarters hotel. By the middle of the afternoon Jeremy had leaked the news to ESPN, which he was contractually obligated to do. The network quickly worked the announcement into slots three minutes apart over the next 24 hours as a part of 'Capital One Bowl Week on ESPN'. The news helped save a bad game on Saturday night and continued throughout the night and into the next day on the same 3 minute schedule.
Late in the day, around 9:00 p.m. the Big Gator got the following e-mail on his I-Phone, it really got his attention. The message and tone of the e-mail was the moving factor in Coach Urban Meyer's reversal on his decision. At what we have come to know as a 'hastily called' news conference, Coach Meyer called a 'time out'. He was just kidding he confusedly gushed, he never intended to quit, it had nothing to do with him having his Tebow and swagger surgically removed by Alabama in the SEC Championship, he really only meant to say he was going to take a vacation. He would be back. What could have been in the e-mail he got the night before from Mama Gator? Through some cosmic mix-up in the digital world I got a copy of the original e-mail and now I am releasing it to the world. I tried to sell it to Fox News and the National Enquirer but both were closed for Christmas and I never got an answer.
THE TURN AROUND E-MAIL:
"To: Urban Meyer
From: His wife for now
Urban,
Have you lost your frigging mind. What the hell do you know about stress. You have the best job in the world. These people pay you five million dollars ($5,000,000) a year to work maybe 9 months a year coaching a game. Not only do they pay you, they pay 30 other guys to carry out your every wish. After you finish recruiting in early February the 30 other guys will continue to recruit in addition breaking down the film of every game your team played plus the film of everyone you will play next year and will give you a full report of every play they have watched. You will be invited to spend a few hours playing golf and chumming around with a bunch of old fat men two or three times a week that will insist on giving you and the school millions of dollars just to get a picture made with you and to hear you call them by name. You will be delivered to these events in a $30,000,000 private jet which when not hauling you around to university events will be at your family's disposal. You and your family are either members or welcomed at every Country Club from Key West to Crestview Florida and it you ever wanted to go out in public you would never have to pick up a tab or pay for anything. You are furnished multiple new luxury cars twice a year and paid huge bonuses for doing the job you were hired to do.
Now if you have the sense God gave a 2X4 and you want to continue to come home to this wife, I would suggest you find you AD and tell him that whatever you told him this morning was the result of losing a bet to Nick Saban the two of you had on the Championship game and you had to let it play out for 12 hours. That you are sorry and you will help clean up the mess you caused by saying you just needed a long vacation but would be back when the time came. If you don't get out of this and get your job back, I'm gone and you can kiss my royal blindside.
p.s. You are a dumb ass.
ONE MAD MAMA GATOR"
Now you know the rest of the story. The lesson here is to never make a Mama Gator mad by being stupid.
Through a stroke of fate I have uncovered the real facts leading up to both decisions announced last weekend by the Big Gator.
The whole thing started Saturday morning in the Coach's Suite in the finest hotel New Orleans had to offer. The Meyer family had flown in Christmas Day in order to be in New Orleans before the players started reporting to the Sugar Bowl. Coach Meyer and his beautiful wife had just spread some lox and capers on their bagels when the coach took a deep breath and told Mrs. Meyer he had something to tell her. The Lady Gator stopped chasing the lone surviving caper on her plate and looked up. "I don't know how to tell you this but I have decided to resign today as the head coach at Florida," Coach Meyer begin. "The job has just been too stressful and I think it is effecting my health," the Urbanator continued. "We have accomplished everything we can here, we have plenty of money and maybe someday I will get back into coaching at a school with less stress," the coach finished talking. Shocked did not adequately describe the effect this proclamation had on the beautiful Mrs. Meyer. "I can't believe it," Mrs. Meyer was finally able to say. "Whatever you think Coach," Mrs. Meyer responded in a whisper. (Urban had always insisted she call him coach, might be just a little ego working here) The two finished their room service breakfast and Coach Meyer quickly left the suite to meet with Jeremy Foley, his A.D. to break the news to him.
Urban stayed busy pretty much the rest of the day greeting the Sugar Bowl committee while welcoming and checking on all his players as they arrived at the team's headquarters hotel. By the middle of the afternoon Jeremy had leaked the news to ESPN, which he was contractually obligated to do. The network quickly worked the announcement into slots three minutes apart over the next 24 hours as a part of 'Capital One Bowl Week on ESPN'. The news helped save a bad game on Saturday night and continued throughout the night and into the next day on the same 3 minute schedule.
Late in the day, around 9:00 p.m. the Big Gator got the following e-mail on his I-Phone, it really got his attention. The message and tone of the e-mail was the moving factor in Coach Urban Meyer's reversal on his decision. At what we have come to know as a 'hastily called' news conference, Coach Meyer called a 'time out'. He was just kidding he confusedly gushed, he never intended to quit, it had nothing to do with him having his Tebow and swagger surgically removed by Alabama in the SEC Championship, he really only meant to say he was going to take a vacation. He would be back. What could have been in the e-mail he got the night before from Mama Gator? Through some cosmic mix-up in the digital world I got a copy of the original e-mail and now I am releasing it to the world. I tried to sell it to Fox News and the National Enquirer but both were closed for Christmas and I never got an answer.
THE TURN AROUND E-MAIL:
"To: Urban Meyer
From: His wife for now
Urban,
Have you lost your frigging mind. What the hell do you know about stress. You have the best job in the world. These people pay you five million dollars ($5,000,000) a year to work maybe 9 months a year coaching a game. Not only do they pay you, they pay 30 other guys to carry out your every wish. After you finish recruiting in early February the 30 other guys will continue to recruit in addition breaking down the film of every game your team played plus the film of everyone you will play next year and will give you a full report of every play they have watched. You will be invited to spend a few hours playing golf and chumming around with a bunch of old fat men two or three times a week that will insist on giving you and the school millions of dollars just to get a picture made with you and to hear you call them by name. You will be delivered to these events in a $30,000,000 private jet which when not hauling you around to university events will be at your family's disposal. You and your family are either members or welcomed at every Country Club from Key West to Crestview Florida and it you ever wanted to go out in public you would never have to pick up a tab or pay for anything. You are furnished multiple new luxury cars twice a year and paid huge bonuses for doing the job you were hired to do.
Now if you have the sense God gave a 2X4 and you want to continue to come home to this wife, I would suggest you find you AD and tell him that whatever you told him this morning was the result of losing a bet to Nick Saban the two of you had on the Championship game and you had to let it play out for 12 hours. That you are sorry and you will help clean up the mess you caused by saying you just needed a long vacation but would be back when the time came. If you don't get out of this and get your job back, I'm gone and you can kiss my royal blindside.
p.s. You are a dumb ass.
ONE MAD MAMA GATOR"
Now you know the rest of the story. The lesson here is to never make a Mama Gator mad by being stupid.
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