IN THE ARENA

I decided some time during the night to quit criticizing and constantly finding fault in political candidates and to do something about our many problems. For that reason I’m throwing my hat into the ring and running for office. I think the qualifying is still open and I will be in the courthouse today to find out just what I need to do to get this thing going. It’s definitely time to get ‘into the arena’ as my old hero Pat Dye would say.

I think it is important to pay your dues when you first start out in politics and for that reason I’ve decided to run for ‘Notary Public’. I expect to do a good job at this level and in either two or four years move on up the election chain. I’ve noticed that some who hold this office claim to be ‘Notary Public State at Large’, I don’t know the difference but if the qualifying fee is not too much I may just go for the ‘State at Large’ position, it will look better on my campaign literature later when I run for some higher office.

I’m not real sure exactly what a Notary Public does but I do know everyone has to have one from time to time to sign on the bottom of a lot of important papers. I would think there would be an orientation seminar at Gulf Shores (paid for by the State) for all the new Notaries elected in an election cycle. I promise I will certainly attend and learn the ins and outs of my new office any faithfully carry out the duties prescribed by the law.

I think that by getting elected I would have more credibility with the other, higher office officials, and be able to have much more influence on how they conduct themselves. Just knowing that I was now in the game and a potential opponent in the years to come would cause them to fly a little straighter.

I’ve given a lot of thought to my campaign staff and think I have unlimited availability to some great people. My little buddy Jim Page is a political genius. He is in the middle of writing a book based on his years of experience in political campaigns. “Second Place is Relative”, will be on the shelves at bookstores everywhere by the time the election rolls around and just having his name on my literature will be a big plus. I know having Wade Weaver as the campaign’s treasure will be a huge asset. Since Wade is the local ‘Bud’ distributor I know the funds we raised will be well spent when we parlay the donations we collect into some old time rallies fueled by barbeque and Bud Light. The last person on my inner circle will be my longtime spiritual leader, the reverend Ezekiel Cleghorn Ramsey. Brother Zeke has preached at Old Bethel #2 for over 30 years and has baptized over 800 souls in Brushy Creek during that time. His following is scattered over at least three counties and at least that many generations. I know there are no U-Tube clips of his preaching and if I can get him around a beer distributor being in the same room with him much less on the same committee I’ve got it made.

I’m going for the 40 and older, blue collar, beer drinking camel smoking demographic in this campaign. We have a lot more of them in this area than any other group. I firmly believe my looks alone will get me a sizeable slice of the women over fifty and my penchant for good barbeque and Dale Earnhardt Jr. (may his father rest in peace) will pull their husbands into my column.

I think I can raise all the money I’ll need if I can raffle a bass boat during the time we are campaigning. I will sell the raffle tickets at $1.00 apiece based on ½ of the donation received. A person giving $10 to the campaign will get 5 raffle tickets on the boat and my campaign will take the other $5 to pay for the beer, barbeque and gas it takes to get from event to event. There was a great bass boat advertised in the classifieds today for $1500 if you would just move it from the seller’s back yard. If I can borrow a trailer this afternoon I capturing that sucker today.

I closing out now so I can find the trailer I need before it gets too late. I want to be standing down at the intersection of 31 and 67 by 4:30 so I can start waving to everyone on their was home. I hope you will tell someone you know about my race. It takes a lot of nerve to run a statewide race like this and I am going to need all the help I can get.