'WELLS FARGO TO THE RESCUE'

When is man supposed to have a conscious? When does it make a difference for a single person or one business or a single corporation to say a proposed event or action is wrong? I just read an article in my local paper about the on-going attempt to save the giant Wachovia Bank. Wachovia finds itself in the position of needing to be saved because of its huge investment in worthless mortgages. The article explained that Citibank first negotiated a rescue of what was once one of the top five banks in this country. Citibank had agreed to pour huge amounts of cash into the struggling Wachovia to acquire only the banking portion of the North Carolina giant. Apparently the big shots from Wachovia, the Federal Reserve and Citibank had pretty much come to a resolution on the bucket of worms the acquisition of a large bank involves. Before they could pack up their brief cases and make their final report to Erin Burnett from MSNBC, a pony express rider from Wells Fargo breezed into the room and insisted all action be ceased. Unknown to the original parties to the Citibank/Wachovia negotiations Wells Fargo had been in a meeting of their own, somewhere west of Denver, and had come up with a new and better solution to the Wachovia crisis.

After everyone was reseated at the huge conference table in the top floor of the tallest building in North Carolina, Wells Fargo began to speak. “We can do better”, the man who had previously been riding a pony express pony begin to speak. “We know your plan calls for a big infusion of tax payer money into this buy out by Citibank”, said the little fellow. “As you know, Wells Fargo is a big part of what made this country so great”, the man continued with no one understanding what he was talking about. “We have been talking about our old friend Wachovia’s problem and while all ya’ll have done a great job crafting this buyout to save the old Bank, we have a better solution for everyone”. “I don’t think so”, said the headman from Citibank, “we bought this thing and we do not need anything from you cowboys”. “Fine”, said the Wells Fargo man who had been doing all the talking. “You tell the public how you are using government tax money to buy this sweet old bank and how there was someone in the deal without tax money willing to accomplish the same thing if not more, how about that Mr. Federal Reserve man? The Federal Reserve man had just about gone to sleep thinking he had no dog in this fight. “Well I do think we should look at all our options before we spend the taxpayers money”, the Fed man was quick to say, even though he did not care who bought the damn thing as long as Wachovia did not go under. “I don’t have long”, the Fed man quickly said, “I’ve got to get this wrapped us quick or President Bush is going to miss the Simpson’s tonight and he won’t be happy”. “What you got to offer”, the Fed man was looking straight at Mr. Wells Fargo and hoping for a quick answer.

“Wells Fargo will buy the whole thing, lock-stock and barrel”, this little fellow from Wells Fargo was saying as he pulled some paperwork from his saddlebags. The Fed’s man knew Citibank was only buying the banking portion from Wachovia and the rest would have to be dealt with later in some fashion. He like the idea of getting everything done in one easy transaction and wanted to hear more about what this guy was talking about. The guys from Wachovia were speechless, they just wanted to go home, they had lost everything, including access to the executive john and they saw nothing in either offer for them. “Go on”, the Fed guy said, “we’ve already got a deal so this had better be good”. “It’s simple”, said Wells Fargo man, “we buy it all for very little more than Citibank is paying for just the bank”. “No Way”, said the Wachovia man, speaking for really the first time. “It has taken us a week to put all this together, we’ve got it signed, sealed and packed up and I’m ready to go home”. “Yea”, said the Citibank representative, “we got it fair and square while ya’ll were still in California and we’re not giving it back, no way”. “Fine”, said the Wells Fargo man, “you explain to the market how you used all this tax payer money to buy a dog like Wachovia. You’ll be the most despised company on the street, and we will take full advantage of your greed with our marketing”. “Next thing you know we will be buying you”, the hot shot Wells Fargo man was on a roll. “I’d like to talk with my friends from Wachovia for a moment alone if you don’t mine”, said the Wells Fargo man while Citibank was cooling down. “That’s fine with me”, said the Fed man, motioning to the Citibank contingency to follow him out side the conference room and into a lounge area where he intended to get a drink.

After the Fed and the Citibank group were gone the Wells Fargo man took over. “I didn’t want to say anything in front of them but I think you are going to like this deal. If you guys just play along with us I know you will be a lot happier with our deal that with the Citibank deal”. “How can it make any difference to us, we’re busted and gone no matter what”, the second in command for Wachovia said. “Yea, I knew that subprime stuff was going to get somebody, I just didn’t think it would be us”. “Listen you idiots”, the Wells Fargo man said loudly, “if you’ll quit feeling sorry for yourselves for just a minute I’ll make your day. We’ve got some really good tax lawyers in California and they have figured this thing out so we can all get right and really screw the government”. The Wachovia contingent perked up some and leaned in to hear what sounded too good to be true. “Our guys got Treasury to set up a new regulation in the IRS Code, that will let Wells Fargo take 100% of your loss if we acquire 100% of your company”. “The hell you say”, gushed one of the Wachovia men. “You mean you can pay for us with the same money you would be paying in taxes anyway”. “Damn right”, said Wells Fargo, “and by buying the whole company we have to honor all the employment contracts you have with the old company, golden parachutes and all”. “There is a God”, said the first Wachovia man able to speak.

The rest of the story is history, Citibank whined and cried for a bit but finally gave in and let the deal go forward. No one from the government raised any objections since they were so happy that one of the top 5 banks had been saved. The only ones that should have complained were the taxpayers and there was no one to speak for them.

When will someone, someday simply say enough is enough. When will someone with a conscious simply say this is not sound or even fair and refuse to take advantage of the ordinary taxpayers? It’s time for someone to call Bull$$$$ on the obv