Squirrels Gone Wild

I have a serious warning and I don’t know how to get in touch with MSNBC to get it out. Every time I call any news agency I get sent to a directory where by dialing a two-digit number I can choose from any one of 200 political experts. I can learn about either Obama or Hillary or John McCain’s choice of bathroom tissue, wart treatments or bodily functions. I really have some news of my own that I think Americans could benefit from, and maybe help me with, if I could only break this election obsession of the media to get it out to the public. For want of a better avenue to warn my friends I must depend on this simple means to protect as many as I can.

WARNING:

Squirrels eat awnings. They eat big, long, expensive fabric awnings faster than Tony Stewart can circle Talladega. We had this nice green and white-stripped awning that ran the entire length of our house when we moved in two years ago. I don’t know how long it had been there but it was in perfectly good shape on a Sunday night about a month ago. On the next day, Monday, there was a whole the size of a basketball directly above the main exterior door leading from the patio to the inside of the house. By Tuesday the hole was as large as a garbage can lid and growing. Now the worse part of this tragedy was that the culprit was fearless and impossible to intimidate or scare. A medium size brown and slightly graying squirrel was eating my damn awning and money like M & M’s in a bowl on the coffee table. I could walk out of the door with a broom to confront him and he would stand there and watch me until I got within range then gingerly step one step back onto the roof and out of reach, give me the squirrel finger and glare at me with a mean stare. I don’t have a gun so I resorted to a small tub of rat poison as a counter measure and I think he ate every grain of it like a side order of fries.

It has already cost me $70 to just get the awning taken down and I am waiting on an estimate to see how much it will take to recover this huge frame that looks like the infrastructure of a Delta IV rocket. My problem is I have no idea about how to avoid Killer Squirrel destroying the replacement. If anyone has any time tested remedies please let me know. The battle between the mad rodent and me could go on forever. We are like Hamas and Israel; this may become the 100-year war, generations to come continuing this fight between mortal enemies.

Death to the Squirrels.